Tuesday, April 30, 2013

i need a change



It's 3:18 am and I'm awake. 

Wwhhyyyyy!!? 

I should be sleeping. I have three very fun and crazy babies that will need all of my attention tomorrow, I need my energy. I need my sleep. I should be sleeping. But I'm not. Ok. Moving on. My brain just doesn't want to shut off today. I have so many thoughts running through my head...mostly thoughts revolving my business. I was sick and didn't do any sewing for almost a week. I had a lot of time to lay around and think. I thought a LOT about my business and why I even do it. I figured out that I do it because I want a feeling of accomplishment and satisfaction paired with an income to help my family, maybe even finally getting around to opening those college savings accounts for the kids  that we've talked about forever. 


I currently have thousands of dollars worth of fabric that is just waiting to be used. Doesn't that just sound crazy?! It's totally crazy. Crazy that 1. I have that much and 2. That it costs as much as it does. I've been delaying cutting into my "spring" which is now more like "summer" line because I have limited quantities and am just not ready for the headache of it... Of making sure I don't oversell a print that I'm not going to get made again and the comments and emails from those that may miss out on what print they want because it sold out too quickly. That sounds like it would be a great problem to have, huh? It is. I have been so very blessed that my business has been so successful so quickly. I wished for that and it came true. 

When the twins were about 3 months old, I started CKD by sewing ruffle rompers and diaper covers and selling them on etsy. Not even five months later, I was burned out and questioning doing the whole thing altogether. (Sound familiar?) I eventually scaled back listing new items for sale and then stopped completely. It was nice! I could actually sew for myself and my babies. Then if get an itch to make something new and sell it because people would want to buy it. 

I got a taste of the good life when I was sick (kind of). Sure I was sick and thought I had a version of the plague, but I was able to rest, go to bed early and most importantly - not have to cut out leggings! Now  I'm drunk on the no-cutting-out-leggings lifestyle and don't want to be sober. 

WHAT AM I GOING TO DO???

I don't know. 
I kinda love being busy, but I also kinda hate it. 
I love CKD but I also kinda hate it. Am I just getting burned out from working too hard? 
Or am I really wanting to quit? 
Am I a quitter? 
Is this like when I quit gymnastics when I was little because I was unsure of my own abilities? 
Or when I quit diving because I didn't want to compete and it only made sense to actually do the difficult dives that I was scared to do? (I mean, who wants to do somersaults and twists off a three meter springboard anyway?!) 
Do I get tired of something and move on because it's boring or because it's too hard? 
Is this too hard? 
Or is it just a little out of balance? 
Do I need to limit my orders to only a certain amount a week (thanks Amanda) or do I need to have my leggings pre-made before I sell them? 
Will that ease the stress? 
Am I doubting myself because of negative words I read on the Internet? 
Or because I'm worried that juggling all of these optional tasks are making me a more stressed out, less fun Mom? 
Are my two year old twins getting more naughty and defiant because they're in the throws of the "terrible two's" or because they're acting out because I'm not spending as much face time with them as before?
(As in before I had Ezra. I try my best not to work when they're awake, but it's not always avoidable.) 

I have so many questions....so many doubts.
I love making stuff, but I fear having regret.
I don't want to regret working on my business.
I don't want to feel like I can't take the kids swimming because I need to stay home and work on orders.
I don't want to say no to play dates and park time because I need to stay home and print invoices.
I want to be able to do it all.
But I'm going to work harder on finding a better balance.
I HAVE TO.
Because the way things are now just aren't working.
It's too lopsided.
It's just not right.

I'm going to catch up on what's already in queue and then I'm going to give myself a little break.
Take a few days off.
Work on nothing but fun, creative projects for myself.
But in the meantime, I've made some of my not-yet-released fabric colors for sale.
I've had a lot of people ask me if I sell my fabric and I've always said no.
Well, now's your chance.
They may not be for sale forever, but they are for now.

{ps: if you're going to make leggings, make sure you buy the ORGANIC COTTON KNIT - leggings need stretch!}


 Let's cross our fingers I find some balance and become a happier me!

9 comments:

  1. I am in the middle of this feeling right now. I've been reading the book START by Jon Acuff & it's amazing! He talks about finding your passion & how what you think it is might not actually be it. You should check it out on your break. You might find the answer you need!

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  2. You've gotta take care of you 1st! (And your cute babes too of course.) I wish I could buy some fabric I absolutely love all you make, but I cannot sew. And I've been wanting your leggings or even more so blankets for a long time, but the hubby and I are trying hard to stay on a budget :P it'll be worth it in the long run right? ;)

    Find that balance and peace in your life. Every woman and especially every mama need and deserves it.

    -K.D.

    P.S. your kids are beautiful!

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  3. Buddy!! I felt sad reading this~ I know as a mama we always have so many doubts. You are an amazing mom and whatever you choose to do will be the right decision. I'm glad you are going to take a little break. You deserve it! Hugs from Asia!!

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  4. You put it perfectly! I sometimes wonder these things about myself & I don't even own a business! I can't even imagine. Now days its so hard to be a mom and have so many pulls and expectations as to what we should be. You know what is best for you and if it means cutting back then you should never feel bad for doing so. Your kids are only young once and you don't want to miss a minute of it:)

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  5. I do not know you. You do not know me. I initially found you on instagram and was intrigued by the words you used "ward" "nursery" etc... I thought maybe we shared the same religion. A religion that encourages us to create beautiful things. Beautiful things that can turn into a business that we never meant to be a business. So here we are, with a business we didn't really want and children who get the brunt of our stressful days and are forced to play inside on absolutely beautiful days because "we just have to get some work done today." I am with you. I feel like I am a failure, like all these other women can create these successful businesses and continue with it until it grows to something spectacular. I want that. But do I? I'm not willing to give up park days with my kids and friends, so do I really want it bad enough? We don't really NEED the income.. in fact I think I spent more money on fabric inventory than I was making... but I see the money coming in, so I must be doing alright.

    The reason for my comment:
    I was just "called" to serve in a position in my church and I wanted to make stretch-cotton headbands. PROBLEM - I could not find fabric that had the right "feel" . I told my mother today "I am searching for the right fabric that these girls will feel "cool" and "special" in. My town has NONE. I knew no websites with anything great... (I didn't know anything about spoonflower)

    Then I see your post on instagram with your fabrics. I feel like you have been an answer to my prayers to make this special for my girls.
    This is weird to write, but I want you to know it was an answer to my prayer. I will be buying some of your fabrics and I feel like you were inspired to post this.

    Thanks for great fabric prints.
    Thanks for being real.
    Thanks for being a good person.

    *ps you can delete this NOVEL.

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  6. I found your blog via instagram (and your adorable leggings!) and just wanted to say I have been there too! It can be so overwhelming to have things take off and just consume your life, especially when success should be a GOOD thing. I ran a business on etsy for several years (baby momo) and have taken most of the last year off to spend with my babes, and let me say it has helped me so much with prioritizing! I'm getting ready to go "back to work" but this time I have help (someone to sew, someone to bookkeep, etc) and days I won't work at all. I love being able to create and be a mommy & wife but it definitely takes a lot of planning to get that balance right! good luck to you!

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  7. I feel ya! I have a six month old (only one, nothing compared to your 3!) and I work 40+ hours out of the house. I ALWAYS feel the pull of not spending enough time with her, not having the house tidy and feeling like I have a million things going. I have to actively remind myself that she is only going to be this small for a short time and I have to prioritize my time so I get as much quality time with her as possible. It's such a struggle every.single.day. I wish I could work less and spend more time with her but I feel the need to contribute and 'do' something.

    I hope you find the balance you strive for! You seem like a wonderful mama and are a fabulous designer!

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  8. I'll add my voice to the chorus and say, "I've been there too ... I wish I knew the answer, but I don't."

    I freelance write and for a couple of months, I was awesome at it, but then I stopped and I miss it, but I don't have the focus to get back into it. Starting is always the hardest part for me, so I wish I had slowed down, but never completely stopped. Maybe it's the same for you?

    In which case, I like your idea of making things and then selling them ... once you're out of something, then you're out. Maybe that'd be a fair compromise and would allow you to control some of your time more.

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  9. Oh my goodness, you poor thing! If I could I'd give you hug!! I have to say that your same thoughts have crossed my mind too! I just opened my online shop about a month ago and I am not near as busy as you are but trying to do that along with blogging, socializing, making new stuff, taking care of my 3 kids, homeschooling, events, and of course I could go on and on. But just trying to keep up with it all is exhausting!! But you sound sooo burnt out and super busy all the time! :( I just hope you can figure things out for you, and if you took a break I'm sure you'd get positive support for doing that :) My biggest advice to give you is to pray :) I am sure you have been trying to figure this out for awhile and get others input, but no one knows you better than the Lord, and he can help you figure out what you need to do! Best of luck to you, you are an amazing women and have already accomplished so much!! Take care my friend! :)

    xo,
    Shio

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i love candy, sewing and the power to delete :) have a great day!