Friday, June 24, 2011

postpartum baby weight loss: a how-to

this is not going to be what you think.
this is going to be completely crazy and different from any other weight loss article or post you've ever read.

like my disclaimer?

so let me give you another one.
by NO means am i the expert on this.
h-to the nizzle- no.
this isn't even really a how-to, this is more of "how-this-happened-to-me."

and i'm not sparing you any dirty details.
cause why would i start now?
you've seen my messy baby house!
ok, so i'll get on with it already.

people say i look skinny for having two babies.
i've even had people ask me if   gave birth to them.
{oddly enough, that doesn't flatter me, it pisses me off. like, really?! you think i could afford a surrogate?!}

it's true, i'm 10lbs lighter than my pre-pregnancy self.
but it all happened by accident.

and really, i'm not trying to rub this in or be all, "look at me! i'm fabulous!"
no. no. no.

so first, get pregnant.
and hopefully you can do that the fun and "normal" way without doctors and injections.
oh and the WAITING.
yeah, we had to wait so long.
so, get pregnant when you want to.

then, get SICK.
like suuuuuuuuuper morning sickness is now all-day sickness.
 you're so sick that you don't gain weight, you lose weight while preggers.
not so good.
then your doctor will prescribe you zofran so you can keep something down.
and then take it EVERY 8 HOURS for months.
that's right.
every 8 hours.
that means you have to set your alarm clock at like 3am to wake up and take your pill.
because if you don't, you wake up to your miserable nauseous self and throw up.
and be sick ALL DAY.
no fun.
{you're also working 2 jobs, going to school full-time and pregnant with TWINS. double the hormones, yay!}

so this continues until you're 6 months pregnant.
no more living your life by 8 hour alarms on your cell phone!

but it's really not all that fun again.
your gain weight, like 6 pounds a month. or 7. 
then your doctor says "to watch your caloric intake. you want to ideally gain only 1 pound a week."
yeah, whatevs.
i'm going to eat whatever i want because i HAVEN'T BEEN ABLE TO THE LAST 6 MONTHS!

so then you're kinda happy, eating whatever your heart desires.
you LIVE on grapes and cheese because that's the only thing that sounds good.
oh and hummus and carrots.

you gain lots of pounds every month, usually more than the "one pound a week" rule.
but since you were SO sick in the beginning, it turns out that you've only gained 35 pounds.
the doctor will be happy.
i was kinda happy, but i didn't really care.
i just wanted to love food again.
{wishful thinking.}

by now your belly is SO HUGE you get full after eating like 1/4 what you used to.
before i got pregnant, i could EAT.
now, you can't.
cause like 4 bites in, you feel completely full like you ate a thanksgiving dinner.
so sad.

that continues until you have the baby. or babies in my case.
so then you're like, woohoo! i can eat again!!
you're probably breastfeeding and realize that certain foods make your babies gassy.
they SCREAM in pain.
at first you don't know why, then you hear a little pooter.
oooooooh, she has gas!
then she continues to be a fussy mess for like an hour.
it's really not that bad unless you have TWO like that at the same time.
so then you think back to what you ate that could have given them gas.
oh, it was the onions.
oh, it was that delicious italian bean soup.
and then you realize the 2 bottles you JUST pumped so you could nap during the next feeding are no good.
cause if they drink it they'll have MORE GAS.
no nap for you.
and you've been awake for the last 16 hours.
you're like a resident without the promise of a big future payout of being a doctor.
and speaking of gas?
you have it too.
and it's painful.
and it makes you want to cry too.
what the crap??

so with all of the crying and no sleeping and not being able to eat wonderful things like onions, you eat salad without salad dressing.
and chicken without seasoning.
that's right folks, you're afraid of SALT AND PEPPER.

so then you eat BAGS of m&m's as a treat to yourself to get through the next feeding.
{yes, i really did that. you're a mental case after having a baby, trust me.}

you eat small portions because 3 bites into your bland, but necessary food, you have a baby freaking out.
no more eating for you!
there just isn't time.
you long for the days where you could make hot chocolate.
it takes like 2 minutes, right?
so let's say you do make it and no one cries.
you sit down to drink it and then something happens to distract you.
your baby smiles, the dog wants out, you have to pee, you have to change the tv channel, you have to change a diaper, you have to change bassinet bedding because your poor baby pooped/peed/spit up all over get the point.
then you remember your decadent, wonderful hot chocolate.
it's ice cold.
wasn't even worth the effort for that one sip.

so before you know it, you've lost like 25 pounds and it's only been a week!
but your belly is a floppy mess.
like a water bed.
it's gross.
where are your abs?
did they accidently take them out during your c-section?

you're still breastfeeding, you're still tired, you're still eating crap.
you lose all the weight and then some.
but then none of your jeans fit like they used to!
your butt got smaller.
your legs got skinnier.
it all sounds wonderful, but it's NOT!
your favorite jeans in the world are baggy and no fun.
and you don't have money to buy new ones because you're not working anymore.
and all you want to buy is baby stuff!
what has happened to you??

in desperation you go to forever 21 and buy their $11 skinny jeans.
you still wear your favorite sevens/citizens/joe's jeans, but it's NOT THE SAME.

then your babies start sleeping at 12 hour stretches and you get the grand idea to open an etsy shop and sew like a crazy woman in all of your "free time."

you kinda have time to eat now, but it's not the same.
anything you make you have to clean up.
and who wants to spend an hour on prep, cooking and clean up?
nap time has because real housewives of whatever time.
and sewing time.
and napping time {although i haven't done that in like 4 months!}.
and laundry time.
and bottle washing {BAIN OF MY EXISTENCE} time.
and cleaning time.

there's just too much to do!

so that makes my VERY long how-to.
get pregnant. get sick. don't eat good, flavorful food. :(   breastfeed as long as you can. open a business. and be a housewife too. you'll lose weight. 
{if you're crazy like me, which you probably aren't. sorry. but i can easily teach you to be crazy. come over!}

oh and go for walks a few times a week.
that can't hurt.


  1. Oh my Lord, if I wasn't there to see it, I would not believe it. So . . . whoever might read this, she's not joking about any of it - it's all the truth.

  2. that was the most entertaining thing i've read in a loong time!!

  3. that was absolutely hilarious! I can't wait to bring my little guy into the world in August...I'll have to remember your weight loss plan! Thanks for the laugh on a Monday!

  4. This is so hysterical!!! I just need to re-post this on my blog to describe my weight loss after twins. Sooo very funny. I actually felt bad when everyone asked me how I was loosing so much weight because I didn't have that "honorable" answer like eating right and working out all the time. My only answer was "have twins". Oh, my sweet babies are 3 now. I know people tell you this all the time, but treasure each and every moment because it flies by leaving you in a blur. I look back now and wonder how in the world I did it all and how did my babies get so big. (I have 2 big girls too, and we homeschool. Yes, I'm crazy like that!) Each day is such a precious gift. Go ahead and rock them just a little bit longer. You'll be glad you did in the long run.

  5. I had that issue with my first son, but not with my twins. I have to eat SO much to make enough milk, that I can't seem to lose that last 7 lbs hanging around my belly. And the tummy....oh nasty twin skin. THank goodness for spanx!


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