Sunday, May 8, 2011

a day for mothers

today used to be my most hated day of the year.

i know that sounds terribly selfish, but it's true.
i LOVE my mother, she truly is one of my best friends.
she's one of the people that knows me the best, second only to my husband.

isn't she beautiful?
i love you, mom.

i always made sure she knew how much i appreciated her on mother's day and i loved that aspect of mother's day.
but it's the other side that brought me such heartbreak.
i wasn't a mother and i wanted to be one SOOOOOOO badly.

my plan after high school was to go to college, meet my husband, and have babies.
it sounds so 1950's, i know, but that's what i wanted.
i wanted to stay at home with little ones running around making messes while i make baby food.
it sounds crazy to some, but that sounded like the best and most perfect job for me.
but it wasn't happening.
years went by.
five to be exact.
five mother's days where i was a sad, depressed, red and puffy-eyed crying MESS.
i was grieving.
but how do you grieve for someone that was never there?
and how do you even put it into words to try and explain it?
that's why so many suffer in silence.
each story is unique, painful and incredibly personal.

our infertility was {and is} the hardest thing i have ever had to deal with in my life.
it's not something that ever leaves you.
when i finally got pregnant, i was SO happy.
but a HUGE part of me was so scared.
i had never gotten pregnant before and didn't know if this one would stick.
i didn't trust my body.
i feel like i held my breath for those 37 weeks i was pregnant.
i was so incredibly scared that something bad would happen.

at 6 weeks we discovered that baby b, olivia, had a 50% chance of living.
she was too small, her heart rate was too slow.
for two weeks we waited, hoped and prayed that she would make it.
the appointment came and she was making progress!
everything was okay.
our prayers were answered.

then i noticed something odd and went to the doctor.
we found out i had a subchorionic hemorrhage.
"take it easy," they said.
then a closer look showed i had placenta previa.
"go on bed rest, it will probably heal itself."
another two weeks of waiting.
the bleeding stopped and the placenta moved and reattached.
everything was okay.
our prayers were answered.

the weeks rolled by and everything was textbook - finally!

my 37th week appointment came and they measured by belly.
it hadn't grown.
it hadn't grown in three weeks.
immediately they scheduled me an ultrasound to check on the babies.
"don't eat or drink anything. you may be having these babies tonight," they said.
baby b, olivia, had low amniotic fluid.
stella's fluid levels were at 5, olivia's only 1.2.
i thought, "not olivia again! she's my fighter!"
after waiting for what seemed like an eternity, they said, "don't eat or drink anything after midnight, you'll be having your babies tomorrow!"
that day is finally here! i'm going to be a mom!
and then i went into early labor before my scheduled c-section.
talk about perfect timing!

the c-section went perfectly and the babies were healthy with no complications.
everything was okay.
our prayers were answered.

i could finally breathe.
i could finally enjoy my babies.
i was a MESS.
i couldn't stop crying.
i was so eternally grateful to my heavenly father for giving me these babies that we so badly desired.
he answered our prayers.

not a day goes by that i don't think, "i'm so grateful for these babies."
i love them with all of my heart.
i can't get enough of them.
i love them more than i can even describe.
it is truly amazing.

so today i am grateful to be a mother.
i am grateful for my mother.
i am grateful for all of the mothers that make this earth a better place to live.
however, i am sad for those that haven't had their prayers answered yet.
i feel for those that are waiting to be mothers.
i know what a hard day this can be for them.
my heart goes out to you.

i feel for those that have lost babies.
for all of their mother's days that they don't get to spend with all of their children.
my heart goes out to you.

i feel for those who want more babies and can't have them.
my heart goes out to you.

so maybe today we can appreciate all of the women in our lives.
the new mothers, the seasoned mothers, the mourning mothers and the childless mothers.
you are loved.
happy mother's day.


  1. Funny that you posted this..mine was (and still will be once I sit down and write it) so similar to this. You said everything just perfectly! Happy Mothers day!! I woke up extremely thankful for my two blessings :)

  2. you wrote so perfectly the tender feelings of your heart - I am thankful each and every day your prayers were answered and you get to have the life you and Earl wanted so badly. I love you very much, Mom

  3. Erin thank you for sharing this. It's difficult to know how painful Mothers Day can be unless you've been through the trial of infertility. I am so happy you have the family you've always wanted now.

  4. I just came across your blog today and I love it :) Your little ones are soooo adorable! I'm so glad that everything turned out perfectly :)


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