Tonight (while in class, oops) I was checking out one of my favorite blogs and I happen to click on a little button for No. 17 Cherry Tree Lane. I was instantly caught up in optical goodness. Then I ran across this post titled "envy." Oh, how I know this well. This is what she wrote......(I just LOVE it when people blog REAL things. Like pictures of their dirty kitchen....piles of laundry.....unfinished projects.....REAL life stuff. Anyways back to Rachel's lovely post.....)
"It cuts so deep.
Oh yes, we all know the feeling that envy produces.
An ugly and consuming ache.
When talking with a friend today, I realized I am not alone when envy strikes. It was mentioned that searching and moving through the internet produces a feeling of, "I am not good enough". "What am I doing wrong?"
Only causing questions that are begging to be answered... "how can that person possibly have all of this together and I don't?"
I have felt that before. On more than one occasion.
I look at other women and wonder how they have created this idyllic world for themselves and their families. How is all of this time available to them and not me? I see women walk into a function, gathering or get together and hurt inside because they are something I long to be.
....why are they that way and I am not?....
(clearly we each know that perfection is never the case, but we chose to assume it is. Another post for another time)
This post is about being content with what the Lord has given. Where He has placed. What He has chosen for you. What He has chosen for me.
I look at others and wonder how they are such good cooks.
I look at others and wonder how they manage to stay trim with minimal effort.
I look at others and wonder how they craft, read, do their hair, clean and manage to be super mom...all in one day.
I look at others and wonder how they handle a small business with children.
I look at others who write so well and have thousands of people read their blog.
I look at women who are more soft spoken then me.
I look at women who deal with their emotions more delicately than I.
I look at women who can wake up and decide they want to have children and "poof"! They're pregnant.
I look at women who are pillars of strength under pressure and pain.
I do not have these things.
I may never have these things.
I may never be a business woman.
I may never have people admire my writing.
I may never be Julia Child in the kitchen.
I may never learn to have peace in waiting.
And when I look at these blogs...when I look at these websites...when I look at women at church or on a playdate or even at a bible study (there is no place that's safe, i guess) and feel these feelings...I become half of what I am.
I become a version of Rachel that is ineffective.
And most disappointing....I sin.
Essentially, I look at what the Lord has given RACHEL and tell Him that it isn't good enough. I convince myself I would be happier and better if I had someone else's abilities and strengths. It's ugly, really.
Well, I wouldn't be better. I wouldn't be me.
I wouldn't be what the Lord has made me.
What is the answer to this?
I'm not sure I have one. For some it may be to turn the computer off. For others it may be to narrow their activities with other women to only a few. For some it may be reminding themselves of scripture.
For myself....it's taking captive a thought before I even give it a second in my mind.
Because that isn't what I want for me. This isn't what I want for my experience as a Christian. I don't want to be a sea of discontentment. How selfish. How pathetic. What a waste.
God made me. He made Rachel.
He made you. Each of you. You are exactly as intended.
Learning to accept and be grateful for who we are will be a difficult and ongoing journey. I want to take it....
I want to be consumed with so many other wonderful and meaningful things that I don't give myself a second thought.
I suppose being self-centered is par for the course, when you are a sinner.
Filthy is how we come and refinement is a process.
Process. One thought at a time."
YEAH. I've totally felt that way before. I have desired/wanted/envied so many things that I haven't had. It's so draining. I'm not going to do it anymore. At least I'll try. Try my very best.
Being more grateful for what I DO have. Yeah, I like the sound of that. :)